A Work in Progress

A Love Letter to My Brother

2011-02-25T20:16:00.005-07:00

You were so young

I was even younger

We were divided by disease and dysfunction

I can still smell your leather jacket

And feel it between my fingers

As they tore me from you

The night you left

The winter wind that came through the open front door

Chilled my tear soaked cheeks

But I barely noticed

You told me it was going to be okay

I wanted to watch you leave

I wanted to see where you were going

But they shut the door

The cold where I stood still remained for a moment

I didn't understand

Why they made you leave me

You were supposed to save me from it all

You were going to take care of me

I know you wanted to

I wrote you a letter because I missed you

I was too young to do it all by myself

The one who helped me was the one who sent you away

I didn't realize the irony at the time

When I got your letter back

I was so excited to see what it said

It was everything a good big brother would write

I kept it in my safe with my other valuables

I found it again from time to time throughout my life

It meant something different to me each time I would read it

Now I can write you a letter on my own

A letter to tell you how much you mean to me

To tell you how much I love and admire you

How I can only imagine the betrayal and hurt you felt

To say I may know some of how it felt

And hope you know how sorry I am for it all

Though I was a victim too

I wish you never had to face it

I'd let you know that I still miss you

But I know you are still there for me and always will be

Cerra Hawkins

Âme Sœur

2011-02-24T23:24:00.001-07:00

You tell me she's

Great

Like I don't know

Like you are a part of what makes her

Great

Like I am

You tell me you

Love her

Like you know

Like you've earned the right to

Love her

Like I have

You tell me you can see her

Soul

Like she lets you

Like your soul speaks to her

Soul

Like mine does

Cerra Ann Craven

8/02

Porter

2011-02-17T19:33:00.001-07:00

When I leave

I can still smell his smell on me

When I do I can't help but smile

And miss him

When I kiss him

Happiness surges through me

I only want to do it again

And I am happy

I wish he were mine

But I am content

With what we have

For it is wonderful

He is so small and fragile now

A blank slate with nothing but potential

Yet already he is a work of art

Pure and new

Cerra Hawkins

3/27/09

The Way to Go

2009-11-08T12:37:00.003-07:00

Knowledge of Godly truths is not a talent
Rather a blessing after much pondering and prayer
The light that some seem to come by so easily
Was earned through desire, humility, and pursuance

If one is willing, they will be molded
They will learn faith
They will find peace
In the very being that created them

To each is a divine destiny
Chosen before this life
To be chosen or forsaken now
The only way to find it is through God

You are his child
His love for you is unfathomable
He will never forsake you
Although you may Him

He is the author of all things good
He is the same yesterday, today and forever
Omniscient and omnipotent
Blessed be His name

Cerra Hawkins

Eulogy of an Asshole

2009-09-14T19:28:00.003-07:00

I met him on his death bed. At 9 years old, I never questioned why I didn't know my grandfather before then - it was just how it was.

Our mother's hands, placed strategically on our backs - high enough to add a degree of comfort, but low enough to silence any protest on our parts - drove my brother and I into the back bedroom of the small, unfamiliar house. Looking back, it seems as though we may have offered some sort of barrier for her from what loomed ahead.

We entered the room to find an old, diminished man lying in the bed that consumed most of the room's space. He was propped up with pillows and his eyes seemed to pierce. He spoke, "You two look as dumb as a post."

This was his first and, at his state, it was possibly the last thing said to his posterity. What I didn't catch on to in my youth was, that this short, brief encounter told so much of the dying man. This wasn't a man bitter because he was dying. This man wasn't simply having "a bad day." That was who he was. I guess you could give the old man props for forsaking any guile at that point.

Shortly after, he died. There was probably one or two more encounters between our first and then, but I cannot remember them. What I do remember was his eulogy. It was not dissimilar to those of great, beloved ones of mine that had passed before. This was puzzling to me even then.

My father and his siblings all share feelings of bitterness and abandonment when it comes to their father to this day. While alive, few had anything good to say about him, yet, in death he was, dare I say, glorified.

Is it our society? Why is it that we can't say these wonderful things about some until they are dead, and we can't say the down-right shitty things about one once they have perished? Is it as simple as the old-fashioned fear of speaking ill of the dead? Or is it we feel free from the commitment our good words may bring upon a dead man's corpse, yet love the good feeling we get when saying them? Is it that we are trying to justify our tears to the world by displaying our great loss? Is it that we are trained to lie from infancy - to others and ourselves? "When someone tells you they love you, you say it back" "When someone says 'thank you' you say 'you're welcome'" "Don't say you don't like that; that's rude. Tell them it's nice." "Does this dress make mommy look fat?"

In a Word

2009-09-05T19:02:00.004-07:00

My childhood: Longing
My adulthood: Empowerment
Family: Eternal
Life: Progression
The future: Hopeful
The present: Gift
Good: Truth
Evil: Pride
Mankind: Flawed
Godhead: Perfection
Beauty: Children
Ugliness: Hate

Cerra Hawkins

Sometimes feelings are best analyzed when stripped down to their simplest form.

At the Top

2009-05-28T21:00:00.003-07:00

Why must the strong compensate for the weak
Is that the natural reward for working past inferiority
Is strength a condition some are born with
Or a path the weak do not chose

Why must the strong be reduced
To the expression of feeling through cryptic analogies
While the weak are expected, nae, encouraged to openly weep
And nurture the delicateness of their soul

It is not that the strong cannot cry
Nor that they do not want to cry
But that they cannot cry now
There is a time for everything
And now is a time to finish

Will the world continue to spin in such a way
That makes the strong stronger and weak weaker
Will there one day come a point
Where the two's paths never meet

Cerra Hawkins

ramblings of frustration

Home

2009-04-13T22:21:00.004-07:00

I long for a simpler time
A time when that very thing
Didn't seem so fleeting
When the sun seemed to stay a little longer

I long for the smell
Of animals and plants
Something more than my scented oils
That add a false sense of depth

I long for the days
Spent outside
Not in man-made attempts at outside
But really outside

I long for the scenes
That forced one to stop
And wonder at a God
That could create such magnificence

I long for the nights
When sleep was a necessity earned
By the fatigue of the body
Instead of a burden brought on by the setting sun

I long for a place
Where dirt and plant
Vastly outweigh
Asphalt and concrete

I long to be
Where I can sit out
Over lands of yellow grain and green grass
And breathe the sweet air of home

Cerra Hawkins

Sweet Dillon

2009-03-10T09:50:00.001-07:00

Your faith in me is
Unwarranted
Yet it makes me
Great
Your protection of me is
Unnecessary
Yet it makes me feel
Safe
How my life could be was
Unimaginable
Yet you have made dreams
Reality
For you ~ all that I am and have ~ I’d
Forsake
Yet because of you I have it
All

Cerra Hawkins

9/08
Today's my muse's birthday. I am so blessed he was born and is mine.

Untitled

2009-02-08T20:20:00.002-07:00

You say "I love you"
Do you?
Love isn't a slap in the face
Whether with your hand
Or your words
It hurts just the same
A bruised face appeals more to me than a wounded heart

Tell me how you feel
Jokes and sarcasm are masks
Yet they reflect truth
There's reason behind everything said
If it's merely to hurt me
Why do you do it?
Is there a certain amount of pleasure that derives from my pain?

You say you want me to be more serious
Is it fair to ask me to remove my armor in the middle of battle?
When soldiers around me around me are still falling
And your drawn sword drips with blood
That's asking a lot

Am I just one more pair of breasts to you?
Will I go down as a
Nameless
Faceless
Toy
That you will eventually tire of?

Why is it that when you call
I run?
Why do I have to care?
Do you care?
Do you utter my name as you dose off to sleep?
Do you see my face in the clouds
Or smell my smell as the wind blow through your hair?

Can you see a wedding day?
Who are you marrying?
Who mothers your children?
Who are you aging with?

Cerra Ann Craven

1/00

Once Upon a Time

2009-01-27T23:05:00.007-07:00

A boy took a stone
And struck his brother dead
The stone was taken away
And the boy was bashed until he ceased to move

A boy took at spear
And stabbed his brother dead
The spear was taken away
And the boy's flesh was pierced until his body had no blood

A boy took a sword
And lanced his brother dead
The sword was taken away
And the boy's head was severed from the shoulders which it sat

A boy took a gun
And shot his brother dead
The gun was taken away
And the leaders of the people came up with some ideas

The gun must be evil
They decided together
It's taken innocent lives
And this gun has caused an epidemic of killing and violence

We must banish all evil
They chanted, destroying the guns
They worked and they worked
Until not a single gun could be found in all of the land

Now finally we can rest
They proclaimed with pride
We are now safe from evil
Go to your homes and reside in peace for we have saved you

A boy took a knife
...

Cerra Hawkins

I do not believe in capital punishment, nor do I necessarily oppose gun control. Rather, this was written in an attempt to point out a serious flaw in problem solving that seems to be rampant in our society, and that is, basing a solution off something other than the root of the problem. This particular topic seems to prevail in that regard.

Untitled

2009-01-20T22:46:00.002-07:00

We love only after sundown
Where we are "safe"
In the darkness of gloomy shadows
Under the blankets of the absence of light

As opposite as day and night
Are you in the two
Our time together is a dream
Beautiful
Wonderful
Gone when I wake in the morning

The sunlight beams warmth across your face
Yet your stare reflects only
Icy indifference back on me
That chills the innermost part of my soul

By day another lurks
Trying to resolve and unrequited thirst for you
And yearns to find you alone on a
Moonless
Starless
Night

Her parched soul drains us
Yet draws you
You give her not the endless oceans she craves
But as my back is turned and your eyes closed
You allow her to drink
And so she returns again and again
Hoping to receive the seven seas

Though only streams and puddles are given her
They are taken from me
My soul does not yet thirst
And why should it
Why should my well run dry
And my water be wasted
On someone who turned to dust
So long ago

Cerra Ann Craven

5/00

Threads of an Empty Soul

2009-01-01T13:20:00.003-07:00

Bitterness reigns on my heart
Maintaining my emotionless countenance
Is all that keeps me sane
And protected from the hurt
You've caused

Willingly oblivious
To my sorrow
You go on
Pleasing only yourself

Happiness anymore
Is a mask I put on
To feed your
Ignorant bliss

You've reduced the ties between us
Down to a solitary thread
And as I go to snip
The very last one away
You add just one more
To replace it

Like sustaining the life
Of a prisoner of war
You've held on to me

Now both hands
Armed with sharpened knifes
I'm ready
To cut away
Any remaining threads
You may throw around me
I'm done

Cerra Ann Craven

5/00

I thought this appropriate to post for the new year. At times in our lives we put up with things that we shouldn't for far to long. May this year be full of new beginnings, happiness and always better than the last.

The Lost

2008-12-27T01:41:00.003-07:00

How is it
That you've
Lost
Forgotten
Forsaken
Discounted
Truths you once
Knew so well

What was it
That made you
Doubt
Reconsider
Reevaluate
Question
That what was
A part of you

Outside
You remain
Similar
Untouched
Unchanged
Familiar
Yet inside
Lies a stranger

Cerra Hawkins

Want

2008-12-27T01:30:00.002-07:00

To wait
Can seem
Unbearable
But to endure well
Is crucial

With no end
In sight
The journey
Feels longer than
Any before

Faith brings the
Peace of knowledge
That what is
Meant to be
Will come in time

When it does
One should realize
They are stronger
For their longing
And thankful for the end

Cerra Hawkins

Offense

2008-12-08T19:46:00.002-07:00

You take
That which is not given you
Then you loathe
The one you took it from

Life seems too busy
To spend so much
On something that exists
Only in your mind

It's because of people like you
That others must examine
Everything they say
Until they say nothing at all

Let's assume for a moment
That it was intended
A wise man would still
Consider it benign

Look not to others
For the source of your angst
But deep within
Where it all begins

Cerra Hawkins

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T23:59:00.003-07:00

It's something we all share
Whether we realize it or not
Every man, woman, child
The poor, the sick, the afflicted
The wise, the blessed, the successful
The wicked, the proud, the ignorant
The peaceful, the merry, the giving
The slothful, the melancholy, the angry
The loving, the willing, the wealthy
Any soul that has breathed this earth's sweet air

That
Is a debt of gratitude
To Him we owe
If a man could see what is potentially his
He would gladly suffer the worst this world has to offer
This wonderful plan
Has only our eternal happiness in mind
Truly all
The good, the bad, the indifferent
Is a gift from God

Cerra Hawkins

11/05

A Life for Show

2008-11-19T08:35:00.001-07:00

A tired old man
As you sit and reflect on your life
Filled with good intentions
Do you like what you see

A son
Grown in body
Yearns like a child
For his father to
Want him
Notice him
Love him

A daughter
With childhood memories
Of painful tears of loneliness
Rolling down her girlish cheeks
Now despises the church
You sacrificed her for

A son
Rushed into celestial matrimony
Unworthily
To save the reputation of a
Perfect family

A daughter
Nursing your
Helpless
Mindless
Body
Out of a feeling of obligation

A son
Money-grubbing and cash thirsty
Yet ironically enough
Bankrupt
Looking for some helpless bum
To screw $10 out of

A son
On his third
Failed marriage
Lost in a world of
Stubborn foolishness
Instilled in him from youth
Unable to
Love
Show compassion
Feel joy

Yes people of the past would comment on the wonders of such a great life
But their foolishness was buried with them
And look what's left to show for it

Cerra Ann Craven

6/00

A Child's Prayer

2008-11-18T00:29:00.002-07:00

As I lay me down to sleep
No more I pray will my eyes weep
Sew them shut and take my soul
Hold me tight and make me whole
Make my longing a yesterday
Make the anguish wash away
Touch my heart and make it numb
Lord take my hand I am done

Cerra Ann Craven

10/02

Something From Nothing

2008-11-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Out of darkness
A spark
The very laws of physics
Defied
From what so regularly
Consumed all light
Hope was born

Weak and malnourished
It flickered
But its core
Could not be doused
It burned on
Hot yet small
Bright yet focused
Unwilling to concede
Until darkness was no more
To be seen

The light brought
Change
Around the flame
Dark turned to light
Or it was forced out
In turn what was
Once cold was warm
Once hollow was full
And the light continued to grow

Cerra Hawkins

10/08

Untitled

2008-11-06T21:06:00.002-07:00

Why don't you love me
Would I have to
Hit you
Before you thought I
Needed you
Would I have to
Threaten you
Before you felt like
Being there
Would I have to
Not care
Before you decided to
Give a shit
Would I have to
Die
Before you'd notice I was
Alive

Cerra Ann Craven

Written 10/02

Incomplete

2008-10-29T21:26:00.003-07:00

Why do you change yourself
For those who would
Never
Change for you
And continue to push away
From those who would
Die
For you

Are you still searching
What void are you trying to fill
What peace are you trying to obtain
What comfort are you trying to find

Why are you vainly searching in others
For something that is to be found within
Are you afraid to discover it
Are you afraid you won't know how to be whole
Are you an unfinished piece of work
That cannot be evaluated
Because you are incomplete

Cerra Ann Craven

Written 8/02

Untitled

2008-10-19T19:35:00.006-07:00

I have taken off my coat
And yet it is bitter cold
They told me it was warm
And I believed them
Deep down I knew it wasn't true
There is only so long I can go on
Being warmed by their vain utterances

I am becoming numb
Yet the pain remains
The coat lies inches from me at all times
But it can't wrap around me on its own
The icy suffering could end so easily
Almost too easily
Why won't I put it on

The coat that selflessly gave itself to me
Asked for nothing in return
But that I would hold to it
And use it
Is now waiting for my rebirth

Oh Lord
Thou art my coat
I will put thee on
Fasten tightly around me
I pray
Protect me from the frost
Strengthen me so that I may
Face the freezing winds of death

Be with me always
Go with me
No
Let me go with thee
Lord into thine arms I come
Submissive as a child
Mold me
Teach me
Guide me

My coat is fastened
Never to be taken off again

Cerra Ann Craven

I wrote this is seminary one of the very few times I actually went my senior year (2000). I really didn't like the teacher at all, but the assignment was good and simple. He told us to write about Jesus for the next 10 or so minutes - whatever we felt - and this is what I wrote.

And So I Die

2008-10-17T23:08:00.002-07:00

Emptiness fills me
Meaningless thoughts consume my mind
In a world so full of life-giving water
My glass remains untouched
And so I die

And no man
Though he may possess
All the riches and charm
Can wake my lips sleeping

Among the numb of heart
I lie
Weeping painlessly
Silently
For fear of burdening
Ideal existences of others
Who feign empathy towards me

Am I in a cave
Or a coffin
Is there a tunnel leading to light
Or a door shut up with nails
Will I ever escape...

Cerra Ann Craven

This poem was written in 2001. It's been published as part of a collection of poems. This is one of my typical teenage-angst poems but it served its purpose.