A Love Letter to My Brother

You were so young

I was even younger

We were divided by disease and dysfunction

I can still smell your leather jacket

And feel it between my fingers

As they tore me from you

The night you left

The winter wind that came through the open front door

Chilled my tear soaked cheeks

But I barely noticed

You told me it was going to be okay

I wanted to watch you leave

I wanted to see where you were going

But they shut the door

The cold where I stood still remained for a moment

I didn't understand

Why they made you leave me

You were supposed to save me from it all

You were going to take care of me

I know you wanted to

I wrote you a letter because I missed you

I was too young to do it all by myself

The one who helped me was the one who sent you away

I didn't realize the irony at the time

When I got your letter back

I was so excited to see what it said

It was everything a good big brother would write

I kept it in my safe with my other valuables

I found it again from time to time throughout my life

It meant something different to me each time I would read it

Now I can write you a letter on my own

A letter to tell you how much you mean to me

To tell you how much I love and admire you

How I can only imagine the betrayal and hurt you felt

To say I may know some of how it felt

And hope you know how sorry I am for it all

Though I was a victim too

I wish you never had to face it

I'd let you know that I still miss you

But I know you are still there for me and always will be

Cerra Hawkins